Medical Student in June

The melancholy of the music stirred the nothing that filled my spirit-
the nothing that lay listlessly at my feet- the nothing that hung heavy in the
stale air- the nothing that has become my Zen- the nothing that
once was the meaning... the altruistic blending of my ardor laden passion...
the medicine.

I know, as I sense the funk of the off-beat jazzy confusion of sharps and flats in
sync with my arrhythmic heart, the caffeine has taken effect.
I am infused with artificial life so that I may try, just for a few more hours,
to trudge through the marshy terrain of flawed immune mechanisms,
all the while, slowly defeating mine. I will come to understand that
what others perceive as the cruel hand of chance in the ghastly deformity of
a young girl that I see as beautiful, is nothing more than a base-pair mutation.

Dusk imposes upon this cold summer day in Boston and my thoughts
turn to the clandestine passing of time.
Is it nighttime already? What has happened to the day?
I look at the dark rings crusting the bottom of my glass and
try to reflect on the day... the seconds, the minutes, the hours... blank!
My mind is an abyss.

Another summer day passed that could not offer sun soaked smiles
rolling off the breezy spirit of a fruitless afternoon. No dew-glossed grassy patch
to bear my easy mind. No undulating waters chasing the blue of a crystal dream.
I cannot hear the children laughing in the ignorance of their youth.
What a lovely ignorance, blessed with sandcastles, dandelions and puffy white clouds
assuming the shape of whatever free-drifting muse that has tantalized the mind.
Another summer day passed I could not spend exhausting my youth, running,
rollerblading, swimming. Instead, in my youth, I find myself exhausted with my life.

But I cannot think about that now. Instead, I must return to illness and disease, to the
mechanisms of pain and deterioration, to the caffeine and music that carve into me
the defiance of my resolve. The music and the caffeine have embraced a wonderful balance.
The so-called “zone.”

I must continue to study.